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Working Through It- Part 3 of 6: Inadequate

Please excuse this selfish series.

Sorry and sorry for being sorry. Restless yet listless. Sick of my own self-pity and feeling guilty for it- guilty for not having the capacity to do more in this vital moment and too guilty to say anything of my own struggles for it may detract from the greater issues in the spotlight and fighting their way there. I felt if my voice could not be used to amplify those suffering at the hands of racial injustice, then it should not sound at all for its existence at the time would be white noise obscuring a vital message.

My art is highly personal. Every one is a reflection of some part of my soul. I was, and still am, afraid the ways in which my soul wants to express itself to aid BLM would be problematic. I allowed the fear of being wrong silence me, but silence is complicity and prevents the opportunity to learn. Wishes mean very little if tangible effort is not involved.

By silencing my medium and internalizing my own realities, compounded with overzealous empathy, I was struggling to cope. I experienced compassion fatigue and was targeting myself. By sacrificing my artistic voice, I severely harmed my self-care. Again, these are faults of my own which I need to work on, and not the fault of BLM.

Even now I feel guilty sharing this series. I feel guilty sharing any part of myself if it does not help BLM, and that is not fair to anyone. It is not human of me to do so and it is not compassionate. I am trying to be okay with showing my multi-dimensional self here again in which disdain for racial injustice is an important part, but still a PART, of who I am. I should not make myself feel guilty for being more than one motivation. I cannot help anyone if I cannot function as a person.